John Taylor
June 26, 1956- June 25, 2022
What we once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes part of us. -Helen Keller
'Hi Dolly'...
The two words I will never hear again. The tightness I feel in my chest and the waves of tears welling up each morning when I wake and each night I go to bed, I am so very sad. My dad is the reason I am who I am today.
Jan. 8 2023
Joy....
This is the word that comes to mind that has gone missing out of my life since my dad died. I have been thinking a lot about the changes I have been going through and my husband noticing a difference in my personality. He said I don't look very happy. I think we have joy when all aspects of our life are on the right track; your loved ones are there and doing good, your work/life balance is perfect or nearly, your daily living and activities are enjoyable. But when your support circle takes a big hit, losing a parent, your light dims just a little and everything feels off kilter, something missing. Not only are you missing your loved one, your rock. You are missing joy, a piece of yourself is lost with them.
Now moving forward in my life, I have to see if this void, this joy that is missing can be replaced or filled with another item. Is it a dog? Is it a baby? Is it a big move? Will it ever really be filled? These are questions I have been asking myself these past few months, where do I go from here? Who am I when I am not my best self and have my dad to call on for life's special moments. When I need my dad to talk to on a hard day of work or if my car is acting up. Where is dad when I need that reassuring hug or talk? He is now only found in my dreams, and the inanimate objects I look at that remind me of him. I have to find a will to continue on with the memory of him close to my heart.
Time will be what heals some of my deep sadness, my deep loss. I have also found that writing and talking about my feelings helps with that buildup of emotion in my chest and head. When I am able to release this intense feeling of grief and sadness, I feel a bit lighter and able to move forward, slowly, but surely. I show myself mercy and grace and know that what I am feeling is ok. I have also found comfort in hearing stories from other people that have lost their parents and how they have coped, whether it happened recently or years ago. It gives me perspective and understanding on what grief will look like and ways to carry on without my dad, my hero.
I think I will use my blog to write memories with dad; not only to help me never forget them, but also bring a smile to my face once in a while, instead of tears always streaming down my face as I type.
Memories
- We were up at the 'dump' at the river property watching the 4th of July fireworks when I was like 9 or 10. Me and dad were in the back of his blue Mazda truck looking up at the fireworks that were going off. I loved this time of year because my birthday was coming up and dad always made it special. When the fireworks were just getting started, dad bent down and said 'I can tell you what one of your birthday presents is, we are getting the Disney channel'. It was such a magical moment, with fireworks going off and me standing with my best friend and dad, and me being really into Disney, ha. This is a core memory and locked in my mind forever. He was the best dad a little Disney loving kid could ask for.
- I was 7 or 8 and I had just gotten home, so upset with my perm that I had gotten done. I hated my hair and was crying and pouting of course. I think it must have been a Friday and a payday, because dad had brought home crab for dinner. He would cook it up and melt a bowl full of butter and it was delicious. He easily cheered me up with this but also brought home a movie for me that I've been wanting: Andre. Do you remember that one? The dancing Sea Lion? Loved it! So me, mom and dad ate crab and watched Andre, and I can remember feeling so much better. Nothing I could do about the perm, except wear a hat, ha. But dad cheered me right up as he always did. Love him.
- One year when I was in high school taking my winter break, which lasted a week, dad also took the week off work to hang out with me. I remember we went to an IMAX movie, seen the Globe Trotters at the arena and ate out almost every night. It was so fun. Dad was up for anything. We were the best of mates for quite a few years; me and him against the world.
- One of the earliest memories I have with dad is when he picked me up from school when I was around 5, so kindergarten. I remember he wanted to race me to the car and I am looking up at him next to me and he is shuffling his feet really fast and we are going over the grassy hill to the other side of the parking area. It was a nice day out, he had a beard and long dark hair then. He was smiling and saying things to keep me going. His head is turned looking at me and smiling, I am sure I was too :)
June 25, 2023
One year since losing my most favourite person...
One year ago, I was sitting at my dads feet with my head resting on his leg. I was looking up at him, along with my mom and sister. We all sat out in the hospital courtyard. The nurse was off to the side managing medications and life support. We decided if dad couldn't be home for his final breaths, the next best thing is outside in fresh air looking up at the sky. After help from staff getting him throuigh the door, that is exactly what he did. After 47 days of the sounds of monitor's, doctors and nurses, and only the stale light above his bed, he was now free to look at the sky and grasp what little sunlight was left. He looked around at all of us and gave a week smile. We even cracked a few jokes as he squeezed our hands tight. We asked him if he wanted to stick around until his birthday, and he just closed his eyes as if to say it's time to for me to throw in the towel, I have fought long enough. As the monitors started to be turned off, there was a sense of peace while we sat in silence; he had his eyes closed and we held him tight with our heads down and cried deeply. His breaths were slow as we listened and watched his chest rise and fall. There became less and less breaths, until there was the final one at 5:17pm. The amazing part of dads last moments was that his heart, his new heart, the one that was supposed to bring him new life; more time to love, more time to garden, more time to fish and travel, more time to spend with his family. His heart was the last thing that was alive in him. It wanted to keep living, to keep pumping. Dismally, the rest of his body was not able to keep up. It saddens me to the depth of my being that he was not able to walk out of that hospital using the beautiful miracle that lived inside of him. I will never forget those final moments with my dad, I am so glad to atleast be by his side. I hold my dad and the memories with him close to my heart always.
More Memories...
- One of the last memories with dad, I came in April 2022 and spent 9 days there. On the last night we went out to dinner to Olive Garden. Dad smuggled some garlic bread in his jacket and walked out. When we were walking to the truck he started to drop them out of his jacket, leaving a trail of bread. My mom was in hysterics and honestly the last time I have heard her laugh that hard. Dad was laughing and picking them up as we piled into the truck. Mom says 'you so sneaky' to dad. We always did like to take home as much leftovers as we could. Mom would stuff my purse full at the buffet. I miss those dinners out.
The two words I will never hear again. The tightness I feel in my chest and the waves of tears welling up each morning when I wake and each night I go to bed, I am so very sad. My dad is the reason I am who I am today.
Jan. 8 2023
Joy....
This is the word that comes to mind that has gone missing out of my life since my dad died. I have been thinking a lot about the changes I have been going through and my husband noticing a difference in my personality. He said I don't look very happy. I think we have joy when all aspects of our life are on the right track; your loved ones are there and doing good, your work/life balance is perfect or nearly, your daily living and activities are enjoyable. But when your support circle takes a big hit, losing a parent, your light dims just a little and everything feels off kilter, something missing. Not only are you missing your loved one, your rock. You are missing joy, a piece of yourself is lost with them.
Now moving forward in my life, I have to see if this void, this joy that is missing can be replaced or filled with another item. Is it a dog? Is it a baby? Is it a big move? Will it ever really be filled? These are questions I have been asking myself these past few months, where do I go from here? Who am I when I am not my best self and have my dad to call on for life's special moments. When I need my dad to talk to on a hard day of work or if my car is acting up. Where is dad when I need that reassuring hug or talk? He is now only found in my dreams, and the inanimate objects I look at that remind me of him. I have to find a will to continue on with the memory of him close to my heart.
Time will be what heals some of my deep sadness, my deep loss. I have also found that writing and talking about my feelings helps with that buildup of emotion in my chest and head. When I am able to release this intense feeling of grief and sadness, I feel a bit lighter and able to move forward, slowly, but surely. I show myself mercy and grace and know that what I am feeling is ok. I have also found comfort in hearing stories from other people that have lost their parents and how they have coped, whether it happened recently or years ago. It gives me perspective and understanding on what grief will look like and ways to carry on without my dad, my hero.
I think I will use my blog to write memories with dad; not only to help me never forget them, but also bring a smile to my face once in a while, instead of tears always streaming down my face as I type.
Memories
- We were up at the 'dump' at the river property watching the 4th of July fireworks when I was like 9 or 10. Me and dad were in the back of his blue Mazda truck looking up at the fireworks that were going off. I loved this time of year because my birthday was coming up and dad always made it special. When the fireworks were just getting started, dad bent down and said 'I can tell you what one of your birthday presents is, we are getting the Disney channel'. It was such a magical moment, with fireworks going off and me standing with my best friend and dad, and me being really into Disney, ha. This is a core memory and locked in my mind forever. He was the best dad a little Disney loving kid could ask for.
- I was 7 or 8 and I had just gotten home, so upset with my perm that I had gotten done. I hated my hair and was crying and pouting of course. I think it must have been a Friday and a payday, because dad had brought home crab for dinner. He would cook it up and melt a bowl full of butter and it was delicious. He easily cheered me up with this but also brought home a movie for me that I've been wanting: Andre. Do you remember that one? The dancing Sea Lion? Loved it! So me, mom and dad ate crab and watched Andre, and I can remember feeling so much better. Nothing I could do about the perm, except wear a hat, ha. But dad cheered me right up as he always did. Love him.
- One year when I was in high school taking my winter break, which lasted a week, dad also took the week off work to hang out with me. I remember we went to an IMAX movie, seen the Globe Trotters at the arena and ate out almost every night. It was so fun. Dad was up for anything. We were the best of mates for quite a few years; me and him against the world.
- One of the earliest memories I have with dad is when he picked me up from school when I was around 5, so kindergarten. I remember he wanted to race me to the car and I am looking up at him next to me and he is shuffling his feet really fast and we are going over the grassy hill to the other side of the parking area. It was a nice day out, he had a beard and long dark hair then. He was smiling and saying things to keep me going. His head is turned looking at me and smiling, I am sure I was too :)
June 25, 2023
One year since losing my most favourite person...
One year ago, I was sitting at my dads feet with my head resting on his leg. I was looking up at him, along with my mom and sister. We all sat out in the hospital courtyard. The nurse was off to the side managing medications and life support. We decided if dad couldn't be home for his final breaths, the next best thing is outside in fresh air looking up at the sky. After help from staff getting him throuigh the door, that is exactly what he did. After 47 days of the sounds of monitor's, doctors and nurses, and only the stale light above his bed, he was now free to look at the sky and grasp what little sunlight was left. He looked around at all of us and gave a week smile. We even cracked a few jokes as he squeezed our hands tight. We asked him if he wanted to stick around until his birthday, and he just closed his eyes as if to say it's time to for me to throw in the towel, I have fought long enough. As the monitors started to be turned off, there was a sense of peace while we sat in silence; he had his eyes closed and we held him tight with our heads down and cried deeply. His breaths were slow as we listened and watched his chest rise and fall. There became less and less breaths, until there was the final one at 5:17pm. The amazing part of dads last moments was that his heart, his new heart, the one that was supposed to bring him new life; more time to love, more time to garden, more time to fish and travel, more time to spend with his family. His heart was the last thing that was alive in him. It wanted to keep living, to keep pumping. Dismally, the rest of his body was not able to keep up. It saddens me to the depth of my being that he was not able to walk out of that hospital using the beautiful miracle that lived inside of him. I will never forget those final moments with my dad, I am so glad to atleast be by his side. I hold my dad and the memories with him close to my heart always.
More Memories...
- One of the last memories with dad, I came in April 2022 and spent 9 days there. On the last night we went out to dinner to Olive Garden. Dad smuggled some garlic bread in his jacket and walked out. When we were walking to the truck he started to drop them out of his jacket, leaving a trail of bread. My mom was in hysterics and honestly the last time I have heard her laugh that hard. Dad was laughing and picking them up as we piled into the truck. Mom says 'you so sneaky' to dad. We always did like to take home as much leftovers as we could. Mom would stuff my purse full at the buffet. I miss those dinners out.